The Guide to Useless Philosophy.






Introduction.

What is the meaning of useless? If something truly was useless, would it exist?

That 'useless' little brother.

A broken DVD.

A bed with no bed springs?

Or even a camera that can't any contain film.

None of these are useless because, as they were all created for a purpose, they all exist for any purpose you can think of. Our imagination can be endless, so anything can have a use.
Randomly, off the top of my head, I can think of many uses for these seemingly useless objects. For example, a little brother is useful to piss off, and so, to quench boredom: the broken DVD can reflect light into his eye to piss him off, the bed with no springs can be replaced for his bed and make him fall through and hit the ground beneath him to piss him off, and you can convince him to use the 'useless' camera to take a picture of a beautiful landscape...

...then knock him out with the camera, put him in the back of your tireless car (which with a limited imagination, is useless) and keep him there until he turns mad with claustrophobia. Thus, pissing him off, and giving you excuse laughing at him! Or for better practicality, sell the camera and leave with the cash. See, very useful.

You see, I call it useless for the sake of what this guide represents. BUT, hopefully, it will make you laugh at its insanity and 'uselessness', it will bore you, it will make you muse on the meaning of life, and it will make your friends think your a f***ing idiot for bringing its topics up as a topic of conversation! So it won't be so useless after all.

My name is Joshua Lessore, a boy of seventeen. I'm of English, French, Malagasy (or 'Madagascan', for those of a mind as ignorant as mine), and other origins I can't call too mind right now. I'm from a family of 10 (eight kids, two parents), so you can imagine what our family is like. Or can you?

I'm taking Music, Media, Theology, and low and behold – Philosophy.


I've given a brief auto-biography, and a summary of what my book is about. I'll also have you know that what I write on the next pages will be improvised. I'm sorry to say that I'm too lazy to plan this guide.

Actually I'm not sorry.
Let's begin.






1. Exams.
We've all done terribly in our exams. Could we have done better? The answer is no, because the exams are finished and you can't go back into the past. We say if we revised, we could have done better, but unfortunately, we were either too lazy, or too damned stupid to even think to revise. So we couldn't have done better, because what's done is done. We SHOULD have revised, and if we did, we probably WOULD have done better.

If we could go back and do better, would we actually do better? Because chances are, if we were too immature to not revise and we had the ability to time travel, we would just screw around with the past and cheat! No, actually, we'd change exams. Or we'd use our time travelling powers to remove all exams! Better yet, use our powers to obtain the knowledge you needed to ace any exam! Or to take as much money as we want so we don't need to pass school exams to get jobs! Or, as well as money, a high position in politics or authorities. Or make ourselves a ruler of a country, or a continent, or the world! We could make ourselves gods! As knowledge builds on knowledge, we could bring present technology into the past, like cars, computers, or even modern warfare, and let that knowledge evolve so we can transport ourselves to other planets and take them over, causing an inter-galactic war where everyone dies all because of one lazy student failing his damn exams!

OK, may be the time travelling section was a little unrealistic, but we have to understand exams are there too keep the universal balance! Without exams, the billions of lives on this world – not of this universe because, though law of averages offers an immeasurably high chance of there being other life in the universe, we just don't know if there is or not (also, if there is other life out there, does the redemption of Christ affect other lives on other planets as well? I won't even try to go there for now) – would be ruined, because nobody would find anybody smart enough to govern these people! In some cases, there still aren't many people smart enough to govern these countries!

Please, do well in your exams! Because who knows? Maybe you will be smart enough to govern a country! Or the continent! Or the world! Or other systems in our galaxy! Maybe you'll even be smart enough to do all of this and not destroy life on every planet!






















2. Time Wasting Philosophical Questions to Annoy People/Simply Time Wasting/Longest Chapter Title Ever.
I don't want to talk about this one. But remember, this chapter is NOT useless! If you want to call it a chapter... jeez, I don't know the true definition of a chapter! I'm only a teenager...

In fact, can you even call this a guide? Can you even call this philosophy?
Why can't you call it philosophy? Why can you? What are you: A man or a mouse? Am I talking about an actual mouse? Or a metaphorical mouse? Am I talking about an actual man? Or a metaphorical man? What is... a 'metaphorical man'? Is it something used to imply somebody is big and strong? What makes someone big and strong? Wisdom? Or steroids? Do all people who use steroids go insane? What is the true definition of insanity? Is it tying your girlfriend up in the back of your car with your baby living in her womb and driving off a bridge simply because you thought a famous rapper was ignoring you? What was that guys name again? Was it Stan? Who is Stan? Why do parents call their children Stan? What makes them do it? What makes them do anything? Is it out of love for their children? Or for the sake of society? Is that why parents only abuse their children in privatised areas? Does this make them real men? Does this make them men, or mice? DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME FOR WASTING YOUR TIME?

There is only one question I really can't answer for you here. And that is “Or steroids?”. Because if someone was too ask me “Or steroids?” in a shop, or at the bus stop, I would either look at them with a confused expression on my face, or ask them in return 'Steroids or what?'. And you and I both know you can't answer a question with a question unless it is in similar, or in the same context as the question: 'how do you ask a question?'.

































3. The Evolution of Murder.
This chapter may not particularly come across as useless, but they are still thoughts I’m concerned with: assisted suicide, euthanasia, abortions, executions. One has to only speak of abortion, to make this guide serious. I.e. murder is serious, so abortion must be as well as to purposely end a life simply because you didn't want it inside of you would be considered a disgusting crime. Now that it's been allowed, who's to say the law of 'respectfully' ending a life won't become more severe? Who's to say abortion won't become the source of a law where we can end someone's life simply because they smell of unwashed French people on a really warm day? In fact, let's look to something simpler. We know that law evolves due to a mixture of governments thinking the change in law is right for the people, and of authorities being selfish and changing the law to benefit their own desires.

What?

'Who would ever do that?' you ask?
Just look to the origins of the Church of England.

Any way, on what I've said, mankind seems to be becoming either more retarded by the minute, or more and more evil; witchcraft, satanism, fetishes etc. They were all considered villainous, vile, and very, very... bad. Now, they've all been allowed, and they are all killing people – be it spiritual, mental, or physical, they are murdering people. They’re being murdered, because people have bordered a higher level of selfishness than a pack of hyenas that have happened to stumble upon a plump toddler lost at safari, spoiled by their parents with crisps and sweets. You know the toddlers who haven't quite lost their baby fat, quite chubby because they look so small, though you can still see they have quite a bit of meat around their bones. I would want one that is blind, death, and a mute, so I wouldn't become emotionally attached to it. Unfortunately, cannibalism is a form of murder, and I wouldn't be practising what I preach. I am tempted, however.

No, I'm only joking. Or am I not? Am I not? Leave your baby on safari, and we'll find out, won't we?

Fine, I was joking, but still. Mankind could never be more selfish. Because death is now a law in at least four different ways, who's to say those four ways won't become five? Or six? Maybe even ten ways of lawfully ending someone's life, excluding assisted suicide, abortions, and executions. Though you say you'd never allow it, who knows? Maybe you'll even help pass a law to kill the living, just because they didn't greet you in your language. Or again, for better practicality, kill the living just because they stole from you, referencing the legalist approach from the Old Testament.

Besides, from my point of view, as soon as the egg in a woman becomes fertilised by a sperm cell of a man, a cross breed of genes has been created; genes, not created in a lab, but in two living beings. Though I don’t really agree on test tube babies, even destroying a lab created foetus is just bad! This fertilised egg is living, because in destroying it, your ending the future of a man or woman who could live to aid others lives. To help. Or even, to destroy. To kill. But we can't see into the future, and it isn't our place to judge someone at all, let alone on something they haven't done yet. As cliché as it sounds, by mine and many other’s religions, only one authority has the right to judge. And he is not a man living on this earth. Well... he might be. He works in mysterious ways.

I do still believe in case of protection, fighting and killing is allowed, but only to save one's self, or to save others. A man's life is not one to take.

Ah ah, but a woman's?

No, not even a woman's. Though God knows some of them are asking for it.

4. Is God Female?
I'll have you know, this topic was not my idea. I asked my brother for an idea, and this is what he offered. I only asked him for an idea, because my mind was being rendered useless. Unless of course your Steve Martin, Dr. Frankenstein, or a somebody beginning to understand my philosophy of 'nothing is useless' and are thinking of a use for my brain. Saaaay, you have OCD and have found nothing to clean, so you shoot my head with your husband's revolver that he thought he kept secret and scrape and scoop my brain out with your garden spade just so you can relieve the tension of having nothing to clean.

Honestly, who knows? Even though this question, can be quite serious, the chances of us finding out in this mortal life whether he (I'll show you why I see God as male) is or is not are higher than the chances of a woman becoming The American President, but lower than the chances of a garden snail beating me in a fight. If you have any doubts, though I wouldn't purposefully kill a snail, I would plan my attack thoroughly:
getting in its blind spot will be hard because it has those googly eyes. But, I'd use the 'after-image technique' made famous by the late Akira Toriyama in his manga and animé of Dragon Ball, and Dragon Ball Z. While confused and not knowing which image to attack, I would lay a ring of salt around it, blocking all its paths. Then I would step on it. I'll have recorded the sound of me stepping on it, and play the sound of the satisfying squelch, complimented by a darker but deeper and sweeter crunch, back to the snail's family so nobody would try anything else again. You see? As long as there are snails around, no one will ever know. So I suggest we apply a martial law against all snails around the world. Then put them in blenders.

Well, I'll begin with the creation of the world: God made man in his own image. So through this, we have an image of what God would look like if he descended once again upon the earth. Another question of male image would be what Christ said. Now, although Christ didn't mean it in a physical sense I'm sure, he said “The person that has seen me has seen the Father ... Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me”. And God the Son has to be a man. He is also the 'King of Kings', and the 'Prince of Peace'. Though, just in case a theological or historical mishap has happened, and it is in fact 'God the daughter', I'm sorry for all the sexist remarks I've made – especially the one's I've made about my little brother!

Ha, I went there!

Oh no you di'nt! Giiiirl, hold ma sh*t!

Many Catholics would say God can be seen as the Sheppard who guides all those who want to follow him, and many traditions hold that the Sheppard usually is a man.

Not a butch woman.











5. Morals on Kitten Killing
I killed my kitten. Just for fun.My family grieved, but I didn’t. I slapped it into the wall, so it limped underneath the couch, terribly horrified, and meowing with its soft, sweet little voice, in a petrified manner. So I jumped on the couch, over and over again.

For a minute.

But whether it was for 20 seconds, or for a whole hour, the outcome was the same. It died with its tail and one of its cute little paws hanging out of the bottom of the furniture.Take a second to think about what I just said. Was it a nice thing to do? What if the cat was to be the end of life as we know it? What if the only way to stop the world’s end was to kill it in exactly the same manner I’ve just described? What if my Dad was to get a job in a military building that controlled all the armed missiles all over America, was late for work and in a hurry, and so he hadn’t realised the kitten crawling into his bag, ran out of the house, got in the car and drove off? What if, while running to his office, he hadn’t noticed the smuggled kitten dropped out of his bag, and ended up being booted by the heel of his shoe and sent it tumbling into a doorway? What if The Office Queer saw the kitten and thought “like, oh my GOSH, this kitten is just like, THE cutest thing! Aww, I’m gonna pet it”, picks the kitten up strokes it, and then leaves it on the table which holds the leaver: ‘send all nuclear missiles to north pole’?! What if the kitten crawls over to the leaver?! Ah, ah?! BOOM!!The Office Fatman eats the kitten alive, sending The Office Queer into a rampage, making him go for the leaver labelled ‘send all nuclear missiles to north pole’! He grabs the leaver, snaps it off, and impales The Office Fatman, who in turn becomes incapacitated before bleeding out! The Office Queer thinks it not enough, and so he seeks out your family and murders them, simply because he felt that the kitten being brought into his life was your fault. Now, although the scenario was completely off the point, especially with the North Pole potentially blowing up, would you sacrifice a kitten for your family? Probably.

Or, for better practicality, take the kitten and make it a baby.

Take the entire population of the earth and replace it with a 16 year old girl and boy (yes, quite a comparison…).

Take the scenario of me mercilessly crushing the kitten beneath my living room couch, and put the baby and the two boys in a hostage situation. You’re in a dilemma: (you have to literally imagine yourself in this situation) you’re being told to choose between your own life, the two sixteen year olds’, and the baby’s. Now, you could be completely altruistic and sacrifice yourself for one of the three (or not), but which ones do you choose? For arguments sake, I’ll just throw hypothetical possibilities into this, just as I have been doing throughout the book: on one hand, there are two lives over one, so now you’re thinking of quantity. But now you think of fecundity, and you choose the baby; he has so much ahead of him, but the child’s parents have died recently, and no one has a clue who they were. The two 16 year olds, however, have families, cousins, uncles, mums, dads, brothers, sisters, and 600 friends on facebook, of whom they are extremely close with. The girl and the boy are so close together, and they’re so close to adulthood! You should at least let them experience it! But the baby has even experienced CHILDHOOD! You decide that the youthfuls would not be able to live with themselves, but thinking of this, the concept of ‘putting them out of their misery’ comes to mind! You ask them who to choose, and they immediately choose themselves, shouting at you to the point where you can’t hear yourself think, simply because they are so afraid!! but the baby doesn’t have a say in the matter..

…Who Do You Choose?

The baby, or the boys? The kitten, or your family?



And don’t let the analogy of the kitten confuse you… it was just a joke.

Alternate Press Textual Analysis

The masthead is bright and bold; the font is it’s own specific design. It almost has a ‘computerised’ look about it. This font can appeal to younger readers, such as teenagers and young adults, as it can be suggesting that it is modern and technologic. The colour of the Masthead makes it stand out against the brown brick building, yet the Masthead, unlike many other magazines is placed in front of the main image. The key is to make the magazine important, but blocking the main image doesn’t help. Instead, the font is slightly transparent and allows you to see what is in the image. This effect is appealing to the eye and is useful for attracting readers. `The selling line, ’25 years’ can connote that the magazine have experience and so could be used to draw in readers, almost to say the they can ‘trust’ the magazine. The ‘25’ in the ’25 years colour’ supports this point: it could be implying that 25 years in experience is important. Teenagers and young adults want to be updated on the latest music, and so its experience is almost inviting them in to the magazine. The name of the magazine, placed beneath the A and the P, reads Alternative Press, showing its uniqueness or originality to any other magazine of it genre. In a way, as I said before, it is a little unique. The masthead for Alternative Press is placed in front of the main image after all, which isn’t supporting the stereotypes of this genre.The main cover line: Manchester Orchestra, who are the main features of this edition of the magazine, as their image has been printed on the front cover. It could be suggesting their importance to the other cover lines. It says, between quotation marks, above the main cover line “You’re never done paying your dues”. Why would they say that, the readers would ask? What where they talking about? The readers would have to look in to answer their own questions. What would draw them in further is a hint to their answers; it reads below the mcl, “fire in the soul” with the “fire” and “soul” printed in red, contrasting the white “in the”. This sounds and looks quite passionate to the reader. It use of italics is also appealing to the eye.In the image, they (Manchester Orchestra) are all dressed quite casually. I.e. shirts, jackets, hoodies and even a brown pork pie hat. It shows their confidence and comfort. This is supported by the low angle shot looking up at them, and capturing the blurred building behind as if to show that they themselves are towering and high up, representing their abilities to the readers. Andy Hull, the lead singer, is holding a cigarette (or what seems to be a cigarette). This connotes maturity, and would relate to an audience of their age (20-25), but could also relate to older teenage characters. Their NVC also connotes confidence, as they seem to be looking down at the readers. Again, this is supported by the low angle shot.